Like many things today, the term narcissist is one of those words that has become very popular. It gets thrown around a lot. The word is frequently overused and misused. As a result, this, along with other factors, can make it hard to determine if you are dealing with a narc or just an asshole with some narcissistic tendencies. However, Narcissistic abuse, narcissistic individuals, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are very real things.
Before we delve into this topic, I want to make a clear statement: this blog is not intended to diagnose anyone, as I am not qualified to do so. If you are experiencing abuse in any form, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help.
I am sharing my personal experience in hopes of helping someone else. Please seek a qualified professional for your specific situation.
After ending dealings with a specific individual in my life, I chose to participate in intensive therapy and got spiritually focused. After spending months working with my therapist and my spiritual advisor, it was apparent I had been a victim of narcissistic abuse. It was even more challenging to admit that this individual I thought highly of and loved dearly is, in fact, a narcissist. In hindsight, all of the signs were there; however, I had blind faith this person would change, and it caused me to overlook the red flags.
The experience was indeed one for the books. But it changed me profoundly, and that change was for good. After having the confidence and a tribe that provided so much support and love, I could walk away with my head held high. I stepped away from that situation hurt but not broken. I was able to welcome light and true love. More importantly, I strengthened my relationship with myself and with God. On that rollercoaster of a ride, here is a list of some of the things I experienced consistently:
- Smear Campaign: The smear campaign occurs when the abuser shares information you have shared with them in confidence. They share this information with others who are not privy to it in an attempt to ruin your reputation and assassinate your character. This can include the truth, distorted facts, or lies. The abuser involved is usually the victim, and you are the villain. Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, has written an informative piece on dealing with and getting through the smear campaign. The link to that blog is below.
- Flying Monkeys: Flying monkeys are individuals solicited by the narcissist. Usually, these people have no stake in the game to be against you, yet they are. They blindly side with the narcissist and often are people who have never met you. They have inaccuracies about who you are but will act on behalf of the narcissist based on hearsay or the narc painting a picture of them being victimized by you. It doesn’t take much for them to buy into what the narcissist is selling. Check out the blog “Are You a Narcissist’s Flying Monkey?” The link to that blog is below.
- Lack of Empathy: Lack of empathy is when no thought is given to what you think or feel. Narcissists only regard themselves, their perspective, and what they have determined to be important.
- Seeing Things in Black/White, All-or-Nothing Attitude: This is also referred to as splitting or lack of object constancy. The narcissist will definitively define things as all good or bad, including you. It’s either 0 or 100, literally no in-between. Check out the article “Splitting in The Narcissist,” posted to Mindset Therapy by writer Emily Mayfield. The link to that blog is below.
- Withholding: The abuser may withhold anything within their control. This is often without any apparent reason. They use this tactic to manipulate and get what they want. This withholding can include various forms of deprivation, such as intimacy and affection, money, silent treatment or stonewalling, and threats of leaving.
- Counseling: Counseling is rarely effective. Narcissists tend to lie in counseling and not commit to the healing process. These individuals fail to complete the task assigned by the therapist. They purposely avoid complex topics, including traumatic experiences and how they have mistreated others. In the unlikely event they seek counseling, it is hardly completed, and there is no actual follow-through or progression made.
- Repeated Cycles of Loving Bombing and Discards: Consider this an on-again-off-again relationship. Around when they need you and will discard you when you’re no longer beneficial. They will love bomb you to get back in. The cycle repeats until you have the courage to walk away, or the narcissist has found a new supply capable of replacing you.
- Leveling: This is when the narcissist tries to reel you into believing you are just as bad as they are. They often use the same examples, such as comparing apples to oranges. Leveling is either done by flat-out lying or an extreme exaggeration of the truth.
- Audio/Video Recordings: These recordings are done deliberately to make you look bad and usually occur AFTER you have been gaslighted. Hardly are they ever done from beginning to end or capture the entire truth. Instead, they are snippets that typically make you appear as the erratic one and them as cool, calm, and collected.
- Word salads/Gaslighting/purposely causing confusion and chaos: These are serious attempts to make you question reality and what is true. It can also include playing the “I don’t understand” game.
- Cheating/overlapping relationships and triangulation: Triangulation does not always include cheating. Triangulation can include pinning family members and friends against you. It is also done by making statements such as, “Such and such said this too about you.”
- Discounting and dismissing what you have done for them.
- Projection and deflection.
- Lying is often chronic.
- Blame-shifting.
- Extreme sarcasm.
- Giving compliments that are over the top and lack sincerity.
- Inability to self-reflect/no accountability.
- Cannot take criticism.
- Narcissists possess an entitled attitude based on no real merit.
- Double standards.
- Future faking and promises to change.
- Devaluing.
- Control issues.
- Blackmail and exploitation.
- Every solution has a problem.
- Guilt-tripping.
- They are both the villain and victim.
Keep in mind that there are many types of narcissists. They demonstrate other behaviors and traits that are not listed here. One thing to keep in mind is that demonstration is pathological, reoccurring regularly. Also, remember that the abuser can be anyone–parent, coworker, spouse, or friend. Do not attempt to diagnose anyone in your life as a narcissist or as having NPD. Because the reality is, at the very least, if you’re experiencing any of the above, you’re in a highly unhealthy and toxic relationship. You should seriously consider getting out.
If someone is treating you in any way described above, you should want to leave, narcissist or not. Take responsibility and set boundaries. Love and put yourself first. Because nothing you do or say will change a selfish person. Their healing is their responsibility, and your healing is yours. These relationships, including my experience, are not rooted in love. The agenda for the narcissist does not include commitment, love, and growth. Instead, it is based on being “of service” to them and meeting their needs. For you, it is selflessness; for them, it is selfishness. A narcissist changing or being better for someone else is extremely unlikely. They will likely remain who they are, with the next person becoming the new supply and/or flying monkey.
Despite all this, there is hope and victory if you choose it. Finding your way out proves to be a significant and gratifying win. I know that it was for me. Why? Because you lose the illusion of what you thought was love. You also lose the negative individual and the dark cloud that follows them and pollutes you. You gain peace of mind and a sense of self. You finally begin to grow. Now, isn’t this a trade-off worth having?
Resources/Helpful Articles:
5 Steps to Surviving a Narcissist’s Smear Campaign
Are You a Narcissist’s Flying Monkey?
Splitting in The Narcissist | Is Splitting A Defense Mechanism?
Intuitive Intuition 